Spiritual death

I'm experiencing a spiritual crisis. The type where your soul is snatched out of your body and stomped on, mangled, obliterated, mutilated, ripped apart and set on fire!

I used to go to Quaker meetings fairly frequently in high school, then in college I rarely went. Now I can say that I haven't been to a Quaker meeting in almost two years. The last time I went to more than one meeting in a given time period was nearly two years ago when I attended the World Gathering of Young Friends in England from August 16-24, 2005. Since then, something in me has changed where as I don't even have an urge to go to Quaker Meeting anymore. Maybe this is connected to my recently higher anxiety levels and the fact that I now have to take medications for it.

I now spend my life working and staying at home sitting around the house in a semi-vegetative state. I tend to get bored with activities more easily and get annoyed more easily too.

About my husband

What? You're Married? Who are you married to? How did you meet him? Who's Rolf? What's he like? Why did you decide to get married? What do you really like about him?

These are some of the questions that I have been receiving from various people since last May 5, when I got married to Rolf Staples. I met him in September 2005 when I was working at Burger King. He got promoted to manager a few weeks later. When I quit working at Burger King last March and then got fired from my second job the next day, he helped me pay my rent and bills. He also helped me move my belongings out of my apartment in Old Town last May.

Rolf and I have very similar personalities. We are both partly outgoing. We enjoy going out to the movies (which we haven't done recently), going out to eat, walking in the Bangor City Forest and on the Orono Bog Boardwalk, looking at and shopping for antiques, reading, and playing computer games.

We decided to get married because we love each other so much. When I was a little girl, I always wanted to get married when I was an adult. I really like everything about Rolf except for his sarcasm and stubbornness. I'm sarcastic and stubborn sometimes too though, so I guess I can't complain too much.

The day we got married, it was a beautiful spring day. It was sunny out and the flowers were all in bloom. Our wedding colors were blue and white. We had white decorations and a white cake with pretty blue flowers. In the floral centerpiece were irises, white carnations and roses, baby's breath and another white flower that I don't happen to know the name of.

After the ceremony, we had photos taken in our yard and down on the Bangor waterfront by the Penobscot River.

We currently live in an apartment in Bangor with my father-in-law, five cats, and two fish. My mother-in-law passed away last year right before Christmas. She helped my husband and I plan our wedding last year: making sure we had a cheese and cracker platter, fruit platter, finger sandwiches, a vegetable platter, and a beautiful wedding cake. She took me with her the day she went to buy the decorations and cake topper. She even bought me a pretty light blue garter with a white ribbon and lace.

Autumn has arrived.

Too soon does autumn arrive after summer. Getting
colder outside at night first, then during the day.
Blustery winds whip around buildings and through the
trees. Leaves on trees turn from green, to bright
yellow, then vibrant oranges, and reds, and finally
brown. The rustle of leaves on the canopy of trees.
The shaking of branches as they lose their leaves.
The rattling tree once the leaves are gone. Enormous
piles of leaves for raking, only to be demolished
by children jumping in them.

It's hard to believe it's already August. The scary
thing is that next month is September and the weather
only gets colder from there. I'm not looking forward
to fall coming, because that means summer will be over, and I'm certainly not looking forward to winter at all. About the only place I've gone this summer besides the Bangor State Fair on August 2, is to my aunt and uncle's house on the Fourth of July for a family cookout. I haven't even gotten to go to the beach yet because of working a lot and lack of finances to drive there. Oh well, maybe next year.

On the other hand, I can't complain about not going anywhere or doing much of anything last summer. Last summer I went to the beach once, for the Fourth of July, in Castine. That was quite fun, though I got sunburned. I also attended New England Yearly Meeting sessions (Quaker) for five days and then jumped a plane to England for thirteen days, spending most of one day just getting to Heathrow Airport in London and then a three hour train ride to Bradford-on-Avon after getting on the wrong trains four times on advice of Londoners. I then spent eight days in Lancaster at the World Gathering of Young Friends, a gathering for Quakers from around the world, from all branches of Quakerism and all walks of life. That was the first time I have ever been off the continent of North America.

The only other times that I have been out of the country is to go to Canada six times, and to the Bahamas for a two night one day cruise in February 2005.

I got married!

The wedding was on May 5, 2006!
I wore all white: a frilly dress
shirt, billowy skirt, and white
sandals. I even remembered
something blue: a cute blue garter
with white lace. Unlike most wedding,
the most expensive part wasn't the
clothing, but the food and flowers.
I had my bouquet specially made,
along wih the maid of honor's,
with white roses, mini white
carnations, and baby's breath.

Lucky me, it was sunny outside so
that we could do photos in the yard
and down by the waterfront in downtown
Bangor. It was really warm too, which
made it even better. A girl from
Burger King did my hair and makeup.
Oh, I looked beautiful that day.
I got to pick out the rings too.
They are white gold with three crosses
inside small circles, and leaf patterns
between the crosses. Very pretty, but
simple!

Another expense

On the way to my internship on Tuesday,
I had car troubles. I knew after a few
minutes that I wouldn't make it all the
way to the agency in downtown Bangor.
I decided to stop at Burger King, one
of my two jobs. My left front wheel
barring was rubbing on the inside of the
wheel.

I found out today when I picked up
my car that I was very luck. The only
thing holding my wheel onto the car was
a small nut. This means that my wheel could
have fallen off on my way to Bangor and
I would have ended up in the ditch on the
side of the road, while my wheel would
have been flying in the opposite direction.
I got to BK and thought how wonderful it
was that I was having such great luck,
especially since I didn't have nearly
enough money to get my car fixed.

I called my brother, asking if I could
borrow some money from him. He decided
not to let me borrow any, even though
he has plenty, and just recently made
a ridiculous purchase: a leather coat.
So he can afford the expensive clothing,
but he can't bother to help out his
poor sister when her car has problems.
What an ass he is! A miser of a brother!

Now my precious '87 Dodge Omni is
fixed and is so quiet that it almost
sounds like it's new.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Went to England on a plane: American Airlines flight 155 9am
departure from Logan International Airport in Boston. Drove
myself to airport. Standing in line: remembered forgetting
purse in backseat of car- bad because that's where travelers
checks were, along with cash, driver's licence, cell phone,
etc. Feeling frantic and not even on airplane yet. Called
Colin: had cell phone number written on arm before he left.
Used payphone and calling card. Stood in Logan barefooted
to get through security.
Destination: Heathrow International in London - arrival time 8:25.
Took about an hour to get through the immigrations gate at Heathrow.
Almost 10pm by then. Had to go downstairs to retrieve luggage: two
suitcases, only one with wheels-what a pain in the ass. In addition,
toting a backpack and a purse. very heavy luggage: toting WGYF shirts,
along with personal belongings. Approximately 25 t-shirts. Got onto
Heathrow Express to Paddington Station (like the bear). Asked for
directions on what train to take. Was told to get onto the train
for Oxford: bad idea. Received two more sets of wrong directions
before a ticket collector told me not to ask questions about
trains of people working in the stations, unless it was some one
working on a train. Best advice received while in London. Note to
self: remember this for next time when going to England, or anywhere
else in Europe for that matter. Got off at Ealing Station, on
recommendation of ticket collector. Rode another train back to
Paddington Station. Walked through area where ticket agents for
trains were and bought a single ticket to Bath, county Wiltshire -
opposite side of country from London, a two and a half to three
hour train ride. Was the last one to leave the station besides
the man working on the platform, who helped me get a taxi to
Bradford-on-Avon (BOA).

Luckily, Jenny, the warden of the BOA
Quaker Meeting House emailed me the taxi company's phone
number, so that I could "ring" them if I did happen to need a taxi
after getting in from London. So I rang them, and by the time I
got down to the street from the platform, there was a man already
there waiting for me. I told him where I was going to, and he put
the address into his electronic navigation system. By the time I
got to BOA it was almost 2am and I had pasta for supper. Luckily I had
taken some snacks with me on the plane before leaving Boston
(some fruit, pudding cups, etc.), so I didn't go totally hungry
after getting off the plane. Woke up the next morning in the BOA
Quaker Meeting house and met the other folks that I would be spending
the weekend with (minus Meredith, who was staying with a family in
Bristol before WGYF and spent part of Saturday with us).

Blustery winds

Last Thursday, as well as today
has recently gotten, was very
windy. Sort of like people say
Chicago is, hence the name
"The Windy City". Thursday it
was so windy that the house
(yes, it's technically a house
according to the deed) I live
in was actually moving slightly
from the force of the wind
outside (a forecast of up to
60 mph). I went down in the
basement that night to do my
laundry and saw some pieces of
dry wall had fallen on the stairs.
Those winds were almost hurricane
force, which is really scary,
especially since the craziest
weather that I have seen in Maine
recently consisted of temperatures
of 20 below zero, and the ice
storm in 1998 which crippled the
whole eastern coast.

new job

I just started my new job this weekend.
My clients enjoyed me being there with them,
but not without giving me a little of a
hard time. My next shift isn't until the
end of the month. I work every other weekend
with these two individuals. Only one seizure
with one of them over the course of the
whole weekend. Hooray! I even got to go
swimming (and got paid for it too!),
which I haven't done since summertime.

Danu and Bob Dylan

Here is a song by a band from Ireland that
I discovered at the American Folk Festival
this past August in Bangor, Maine. The folk
festival coincidentally started the same day
that I got home after three weeks of
travelling (New England Yearly Meeting for
six days, and thirteen days in various parts
of England.
The song is called "Farewell Angelina" and
is from the mid-1960's. This is one of the
songs on the Danu cd that I got at the folk
festival that I love to sing at the top of
my lungs, along with "Hallalujah" by
Rufus Wainwright.


Farewell Angelina
The bells of the crown
Are being stolen by bandits
I must follow the sound
The triangle tingles
And the trumpet play slow
Farewell Angelina
The sky is on fire
And I must go.

There's no need for anger
There's no need for blame
There's nothing to prove
Ev'rything's still the same
Just a table standing empty
By the edge of the sea
Farewell Angelina
The sky is trembling
And I must leave.

The jacks and queens
Have forsaked the courtyard
Fifty-two gypsies
Now file past the guards
In the space where the deuce
And the ace once ran wild
Farewell Angelina
The sky is folding
I'll see you in a while.

See the cross-eyed pirates sitting
Perched in the sun
Shooting tin cans
With a sawed-off shotgun
And the neighbors they clap
And they cheer with each blast
Farewell Angelina
The sky's changing color
And I must leave fast.

King Kong, little elves
On the rooftoops they dance
Valentino-type tangos
While the make-up man's hands
Shut the eyes of the dead
Not to embarrass anyone
Farewell Angelina
The sky is embarrassed
And I must be gone.

The machine guns are roaring
The puppets heave rocks
The fiends nail time bombs
To the hands of the clocks
Call me any name you like
I will never deny it
Farewell Angelina
The sky is erupting
I must go where it's quiet.


Learn more about Danu at: http://www.danu.net/modules/djmusic/index.php?cd=rlt

Almost 21 years old

I still remember the first time I had my first
pina colada. It was my second semester in college
and went with my grandmother and brothers on a
ski trip to Quebec City. That was also when I had my
first tequila sunrise. It was in a sports bar
on the same street as the Hilton hotel, but further
down towards the old city. Before going to the bar,
we went once on the famous tobaggan ride, which is
just like the luge in the Olympics, with sheer ice
all the way down the track.

My first semester in college was the first time
I had a margarita
(also my name from Spanish class in high school).
I went on a school sponsored trip to Nova Scotia
We took the Cat from Bar Harbor in Maine to
Yarmouth, Nova Scotia.

Unlike others I know, especially those who I went
to high school with, I didn't go to any parties or
drink while in high school (except a tiny bit of
spiced wine one year for Thanksgiving and a half
shot of Grand Marnier when I was living with my
father and some of my grandmother's Puerto Rican
rum and vodka.
The first time I was drunk was last March, and I
had to work the next morning and felt like shit
all that day. That's when I decided it was a bad
idea to get drunk the night before having to work.

Darth Vader v.s. G.W. Bush

Here are some similarities between Darth Vader and G.W. Bush.

I don't think that this is a coincidence
that they both have these characteristics.

A big stressful mess

Part of this problem that I have somehow gotten stuck
I think probably started this past spring, when I
filled out my paperwork for financial aid for school
and mailed them copies of my state and federal tax
forms. They must have lost the copy of my federal tax
forms, which really sucks for me. In October the
financial aid office in Augusta sent me a letter
notifying me that they needed my federal tax forms.

I sent in another copy of my tax forms, but by then
it was too late to get granted financial aid, since
the semester had obviously already commenced by that
time. Later, they proceeded to send me a letter saying
that I owed the full amount of tuition. Mind you, this
was around the same time that I started working at my
internship placement agency. That meant that by then,
I went from working full time, to only part time in
order to have time during the week to get hours in for
my internship, which has only been twelve hours a week
so far, because of the hours for the day program that
I work for. My classes for this semester are only two
days a week, on Thursdays and Fridays, right during
the time that the day program at my internship is
going on.

On top of this, as a result of being able to work
only part time, I have had less money to go towards
paying bills and often end up with less than ten
dollars in my checking account by the end of the
week, before getting paid again the next Thursday.
It's hard enough trying to pay bills on less than
eight dollars an hour while working full time, but
it's even worse trying to pay those same bills with
10-25 hours less of pay.

Part of the situation with the lack of finances is
due to going to England for the World Gathering of
Young Friends (an international Quaker conference).
Before leaving, I spent about six hundred dollars
just on traveller's cheques, and it still didn't
end up being enough, no thanks to the harsh
exchange rate. Damn, England is an expensive
country to travel to, but before going, I didn't
realize it was quite that pricey.
Now I'm dirt poor, trying to pay my bills on time,
and not go crazy with the whole Christmas season.
I can't stand it when holidays get so secular,
like Christmas has slowly become over the past
century.
Now I'm suffering from major burnout as a result
of my internship; major stress from work, because
no matter how many hours I work, I'm still not
caught up in life; and financial drain to my
checking account, with my last expense of the
week usually being gas for my car.
This is why I'm glad that I was buying extra
non-perishables over the summer, despite the
fact that my roommates have been teasing me about
it, because otherwise I would practically be
going hungry every week because of not being
able to afford to buy food.

So that's a synopsis of the fall semester for me.

Learn some Bahasa (Indonesia and Malaysia)

selamai sore: good afternoon
apa kabar: How are you?
kabar baik: I am fine.
senang bertemn anda: nice to meet you
berapa: how much? (when talking about money, objects, etc.)
dimana: where? (when asking directions, etc.)
siapa namamu: What is your name?
nama saya...: my name is...
halo: hello
berapa usiamu: How old are you?
berapa hargahya: How much (price)?
terima kasih: thank you

Learn some Nepali

namaste: hello/ goodbye
tapae kasto hunuhuncha: how are you?
malae sanchi cha: I am fine
mero name ho: my name is...
dhanyabad: thank you
tapae ko nam ke ho: What is your name?
sagarmatha: Mt. Everest

An African song

Kwa uwezo wa mungu
tutafanya hivyo
(With God's grace we
can do this)
Bwana asifiwe!
(Praise the Lord!)

Lucky Day

Today I woke up at 7 am when my alarm went off.
Over the past weekend I didn't get much sleep,
so I was highly considering going back to bed,
but instead I got up, beckoned by my laziness
to get dressed and take a walk.

For most of the summer I was getting up in the
morning and taking a walk, but since getting
back home from the World Gathering of Young
Friends in England and with the decreasing
amount of daylight in the northern hemisphere,
I haven't been sticking to getting up to take
my daily walk. I'm still eating about the same
amount as I was during the summer, but with less
exercise, which has obvious results.
I'm really glad after the fact that I didn't got
bak to bed this morning. Today became my lucky
day when I got outside to start my walk.

My regular walking route now is: walking to the
end of Wood St. (it's one way so I walk down,
facing traffic), turn left onto Main St., turn left
left ono Center St., turn right at Jefferson St.
(near where I used to live from ages 4-12), turn
left and go down Oak St., turn right onto Brunwswick
St., turn left onto Bowdoin St., turn left onto Main
St., go to end of Main St., turn onto other end of
Brunswick St. and then turn left onto Wood St.

Somewhere less than halfway down Main St. I found a
twenty dollar bill sitting on the side of the road,
wet and dirty from the melting snow and road sand.
Ipicked it up and dried a little bit of the water
and dirt off it and stuck it in my sweatshirt pocket.
Yes, it's warm enough for just a sweatshirt here in
Maine right now.

I can tell already that today is going to be a good
day for me. Now I know there was a reason, because
getting exercise, to go on a walk this morning
before breakfast and my internship. Praise God!
Amen.

Rent

Somewhere I still have my ticket stub from when I went
to see Rent in New York City at the Nederlander Theater
208 W. 41st St., between 7th and 8th Avenues. I was in
New York City for an exchange that Orono High School
had started with Walton High School, in the Bronx. I
was staying with Milagros, who at the time was a
senior in high school as I was also. Since neither of
us knew how to get to the theater, but had the address
of where it was, we set out early from her family's
apartment up on University Ave. All we had was the
street it was on, and knew that it was between 7th and
8th Aves. To get to midtown Manhattan from her apartment,
we had to take both the 4 and D on the subway and got
off at the 42nd St./Times Square stop. Once we figured
out where we were going, we got to the theater just fine,
an we were early, being the first ones in our large
goup, a mix of students and chaperones from Orono and
students from Walton.
I had some background information about the play before
we went to NYC, but not too much. I knew that seeing it
would change me, and it did. It was the first Broadway
type play that I had seen with a compilation of topics
ranging from poverty and homelessness, to drugs, AIDS,
and homeosexuality (a shunned, feared, and purposely
avoided topic in American society, but still ever prevalent).
One of my favorite scenes from the movie is when they are
all in the cafe after going to Maureen's protest to raise
awareness about homelessness. They go in hoping to relax
after seeing and talking to Benny at the protest, but
they discover that he is also in the cafe, at a table
beside them. Through this they are dancing on the tables,
singing and having a jolly good time. At first the seating
host doesn't want to let them in, because they have had
a reputation for coming in and ordering nothing, or
ordering and then not paying because of having no money.
They get let in really quickly when Angel flashes him a
$100 dollar bill. During that part, when I was at the
movie theater, I was laughing so hard that I was crying.
It's kind of hard to deny the hilarity of the situation
at the cafe and the events that unfold.
One of the saddest parts, as with the musical, is when
Angel is dying and then eventually dies from AIDS. It's
like the scenes from Angels in America: Millenium Approaches
when Louis visits Prior after the physical symptoms of
AIDS begin to show on his body, the dark reddish lesions
all over him. Collins, being his most recent boyfriend,
is with him in the hospital and on the subway when he is
going through the cold sweats and fevers and trying to
comfort him the best way he knows how, all the while
knowing that the inevitable is drawing closer and closer.
My favorite line of Angel's is actually heard after he
has already died: "I'm more of a man than you'll ever be
and more of a woman than you'll ever get."

My First Funeral --- for a high school classmate

This weekend I will be attending my first funeral ever.
Ironically, it happens to be for a high school classmate,
and someone who went to University College of Bangor with
me, though not in any of my classes or my degree program.
The really weird thing about this is that I just saw her
at school about three weeks ago. Since then, she has
gotten into a bad car accident and died from severe brain
trauma. She was one of the several people who was nice
to me in middle school while others either made fun of
me, or ignored me. We played basketball on the same team
in middle school too. Even though we were never on each
other's list of friends, I'm going to miss her. I'll
miss seeing her at class reunions and on the University
College campus.

Pendle Hill

This is what Pendle Hill looks like from a distance. Up close,
at the base, it is very intimidating and large.
We took four coach buses up to Pendle Hill, leaving from
the courtyard at Lancaster University that sits about halfway
between where our accomedations were, and where the dining hall
and Great Hall (where we met for daily worship, and had the
international dance) were. It took about an hour to get there
from where we were staying in Lancaster. On the way there we
passed dozens of pastures filled with cattle, sheep, horses
and some pigs. As we proceeded closer, the buses made a
gradual ascent up the terrain, which after a while turned
to very steep ground. By the time we emptied the buses,
we were upon a quite high altitude (for England anyways).

As we began the climb, it wasn't too hard. There were
Quakers from local meetings there leading the way for us,
and upon meeting them, we could shake their hand if we wished.
It was pasture-ish still in this area that we were in starting
out, but the path after a little while turned to rock. (No,
it didn't morph like that in front of our eyes, it was made
that way!) During the part where it started getting really
steep, I was feeling like I was dying, because I couldn't
breath, as the result that my exercise-induced asthma has
on my lungs when put under such stress as hiking, swimming,
or running. Of course I didn't have an inhaler with me,
and the one I still had from my previous prescription was
sitting at home, empty. I did take short breaks, as others
did, but didn't stop for too long because I didn't want to
give up.
I have done this before with the not giving up stuff,
like when I was on the track team my senior year in high
school and was at a track meet. I had just finished my
running event, the 1600 (aka the mile), and then was
whisked quickly off to the long jump (my other event),
still out of breath in the meantime. I was the last one
to do my jumps, and that day, despite being out of breath
and exhausted, I got my best distances that I ever had for
the long jump that season.
Back to more about Pendle Hill. I was wheezing the whole
way up, but didn't stop for more than a few seconds,
before proceeding on again. The feeling of relief and
accomplishment was so great when I finally got to the top.
I felt like Atlas lifting the world on his shoulder. On
the other hand, my outcome of this wasn't quite like the
one George Fox had many years before on this exact
location.
We got to the top and were greeted by about a dozen or so
mountain sheep. The sheep chased some of us, while some
of them ate the lunches of others. These weren't generic
sheep...they were armed with horns, so I don't think that
they were Quaker sheep. Oh well! Not every creature in
the world can be a Quaker, but wouldn't it be nice if
they could!